Hello Tanya

Ep.06- Vitamin N (No!), and Having No Expectations

• Tanya Barlow • Season 1 • Episode 6

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Welcome back to the Hello Tanya Podcast! This week I'll be discussing Vitamin N (No!), having no expectations not taking things personally.

• Vitamin N is the practice of saying "no" as a complete sentence and never saying yes when your gut says no
• Recognise that feeling in your stomach when you get an invitation you don't want – that's your body telling you to take Vitamin N
• Setting boundaries might make others uncomfortable at first, but prioritising your needs is not rude or selfish
• Don't take things personally!
• Having no expectations of people, events or opportunities removes pressure and disappointment
• Do your best and then let go of the outcome – this creates space for the unexpected
• Mirror Work Moment


Next week I'll introduce three of the Seven cardinal rules of life.


Production design, intro music and video by Christopher Stratton. Podcast photos by Frances Carter. Find Tanya at @hellotanya and the pod at @hellotanyapod on IG, and https://www.youtube.com/@hellotanyapod <3

Speaker 1:

Hi, hello, welcome back to another episode of the Hello Tanya podcast. Hi, hello, welcome back to another episode of the Hello Tanya podcast. This is where I share little tips, tricks, tools, concepts, frameworks and little lessons from seeing a spiritual healer for the last three years. I'm sharing things that I found super helpful and I hope that they help you too. If this is your first time here, welcome. I highly recommend starting from the beginning, episode one, because we are slowly building on our lessons as we go.

Speaker 1:

So episode six oh, my goodness, six of these. Six, six, six. Oh no, I shouldn't have said that. I take it back. How are we going? How are we feeling? Are we uh jumping into our bottles and dancing? Are we uh floating around in our Glinda bubbles? Are we zip, zip, zipping away? If you have or haven't tried any of these exercises, I'm still really glad that you're spending time with me, whether it's, you know, getting ready in the morning, having your coffee, or on your commute, or as you're winding down to sleep. Thank you for hanging out with me. Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so we are going to be talking about three different concepts today. So, first of all, what the heck is vitamin N today? So, first of all, what the heck is vitamin N? Like I said at the end of episode five, imagine if this whole thing was all about was leading up to scammy supplements. Sorry, that's just very, it just tickles me. No, well, no, vitamin N is no. Vitamin N is literally N-O. No, it's simply Okay. Listen, you might have noticed a running theme of people pleasing through the last few episodes and also this one, but this one's going to be hard but necessary for those who are still in it. But trust me when I say that this, that these have helped me truly, truly, truly. All right, vitamin N it is as simple as the notion of no beinga full sentence. Giving yourself permission to say no and to never say yes when your gut says no, to say no and to never say yes when your gut says no. You know when you get a text or a message, an email, an invite, whatever, and you feel that drop in your stomach, that's a no baby. Putting yourself first, prioritizing your needs, checking in with your gut about something and being like no.

Speaker 1:

My boundaries around work have been really strong for a long time now, but I still had trouble with them in my personal relationships. You know that thing about how people learn how to treat you based on how you allow yourself to be treated, having a history of crossing my own boundaries because it was easier to let someone walk all over me than speaking up. Listen, you have to be compassionate to your former self that allowed these things to happen in the past. But it's time to change. But it's time to change, I will say it is normal for people who are used to how you used to behave to feel uncomfortable, and that's okay. You know those memes where you feel like a bully because you've suddenly started having boundaries. It's because your prior behavior benefited them and not you. It's a hard pill to swallow, and seeing this happen a few times while I've been on this journey has been interesting, to say the least. Now, also as a side note, I just want to say that prioritizing yourself, your values, your feelings, your experience, everything, perhaps for the first time ever is not rude, it is not selfish, it is not uncaring and it is not mean. Respecting yourself and valuing yourself does not and should not undermine anyone else, regardless of how others may react. And it's hard, sometimes incredibly uncomfortable, and if you've already been through something like this, I am so proud of you. So that was vitamin N. Simply saying, saying no, checking in with your body. When you receive a message, like when someone wanted to hang out or say a work opportunity or whatever, and your body is like you get that, like that's your gut, that's your instincts, that's your instincts, that's your body telling you take some vitamin N. Okay, the second one. This one's another tough cookie for the FPPs, the former people pleasers, and it's a Lika favorite. And it's a Lika favorite.

Speaker 1:

Don't take things personally. Listen, I know this is so much easier said than done. This one is super hard, especially if you are a sensitive soul or have had experiences with hypervigilance or monitoring cues. You kind of train yourself to take things personally. Like when I was a lot more insecure, I took things personally like it was a full-time job. Okay, any slight change of tone, someone simply being direct or setting their own boundary, felt like a huge slight. And then it becomes this ping-pong match of insecurity and misunderstanding. And, yeah, messy, messy, messy, messy, messy. As Jinx Monsoon once said, water off a duck's back, water off a duck's back, water off a duck's back, let it go, let it slide off of you.

Speaker 1:

Don't take things personally and unfortunately, sometimes people do mean harm and hope you do take their comments personally. This can come from a number of things, whether it's insecurity or jealousy, and simply not taking it personally takes all the power away. We all communicate in very different ways. Someone simply being direct does not mean they're being cold or short. I understand that sometimes this can be a trauma response. I know personally my sensitivity came from this. Learning to let things go and not take things personally has really helped me.

Speaker 1:

I don't know if anyone else does this, but I used to collect my traumas and slights like a precious rock collection, always keeping them with me, ready to reference and show people my pain whenever I could, making a case for how hurt I was. Wasn't I so hurt? Did you see how hurt I was? I see now this was because I didn't know how to help myself or heal myself. Of course, rejection feels personal, but the phrase rejection is redirection, is a classic for a reason, and when someone is playing in your face being rude or disrespectful, sometimes that's just a bid for attention or a response, and not taking that personally is a gift for you both. So don't give that stuff air. Just smile and let it slide. Off a water, off a water Well, let it slide like water off a duck's back. Don't take things personally.

Speaker 1:

And finally, the next one like most of these concepts, I really struggled with really struggled with it is simply having no expectations of people, of events, of opportunities, of anything or anyone. Like all this stuff, it is easier said than done. Looking back, I know I had high expectations of my friends. I've done X and Y, so why can't you do the same for me? I've treated you with respect, so why can't you do the same, so on and so forth. Do you realize how exhausting that is for everyone involved to expect and others? Having no expectations is about lifting that weight off yourself, removing the pressure to simply do the thing, apply for the job, put yourself out there, make a podcast, start a YouTube channel or whatever the situation may be, and let it go, being present in the action and being proud of yourself for doing it. What it will do is save yourself from a lot of disappointment.

Speaker 1:

When I first started seeing Lika, I was just starting out in voiceover and I put so much expectation and pressure on myself. I was constantly hurting my own feelings whenever I didn't get, when an audition didn't, you know, lead to a job and, yeah, hurting my own feelings when I didn't get the results I wanted. And that was a really hard wake up call, man. It was really tough because I just, you know, it's a classic thing of like, well, I'm going to do this thing and so I hope and I expect that I will get it, which is a very normal, which is a very normal reaction. So, anyway, I started to quietly do auditions and then let them go and, knowing that I did a good job, and just let it go. Let it go, let it go, regardless if I got it or not.

Speaker 1:

It made things a lot easier and, like a lot of these concepts, it's just about being present and peaceful and intentional. Removing the pressure of expectation from friendships, relationships, co-workers, etc. Just leaves room for the unexpected. Okay, so that is our three concepts today. Vitamin N don't take things personally and have no expectations. Take things personally and have no expectations. These, these three things, these these things, they will make you powerful beyond, beyond your imagination, like saying no, having the power to say no, the freedom to say no, listening to your body, knowing what your body needs, knowing what is right for you. It's amazing. And then also not taking things personally. It just. You will be amazed at how much this will affect you. At least, it did for me. I mean, I'm not saying that, as always, any of these lessons will truly change your life. It's really just how much work that you put in. You know what I mean, but I'm simply sharing what worked for me and I hope that they work for you too.

Speaker 1:

Anyway, we are at our mirror work moment, so, as a reminder, mirror work is essentially gassing yourself up in the mirror, approaching yourself like you are a fan, like you are your own best friend, and telling yourself things that you've always wanted and needed to hear. Like I said last episode, a nice time to do this is when you're doing your skincare or doing your hair or brushing your teeth, or doing your makeup skincare or doing your hair or brushing your teeth or doing your makeup Anytime that you're spending in the mirror, you could spend a little bit of that time talking to yourself with kindness and love. So let's go over what we've already done. And I've got my mirror here and I've just lost one of my nail fluffies, and that is fine. Okay, all right, here we go. I've got my mirror, I love you and I'm proud of you.

Speaker 1:

I trust myself, I accept myself and I value myself. I can do it alone. The universe is always with me and let's see, oh, I am ready for miracles. Thank you, universe. And why am I so lucky? I I am grateful for this moment. I am the greatest project I will ever work on. Oh, that one got me in the feels.

Speaker 1:

Okay, that is us for episode six.

Speaker 1:

I hope you try a little more vitamin N in your life and not taking things personally and having no expectations. You never know what could happen. You never know. You never know. Having no expectations again leaves room for the unexpected Good or bad, you know. Anyway, next week I'll be introducing three of the seven cardinal rules of life according to Lika. What's that? I guess we'll find out. All right, that is us. Thank you so much for spending time with me. I love you, I love me. Thank you for hanging out with me and I hope that you are learning to be a little kinder to yourself. As always, I want to give a huge shout out to Christopher Stratton for all of his amazing help on this podcast building the set, being the production designer, filming the intro, playing the music for the intro Amazing. I'm so grateful for you. Thank you so much, chris, and, as always, thank you to Francis Carter for the dreamy photos for this podcast. All right, my friends. That is us for episode six. I'm going to press the outro button. Thank you so much. Bye-bye.