Hello Tanya

Ep.02- The Roommate in Your Head: Confronting Negative Self-Talk

• Tanya Barlow • Season 1 • Episode 2

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Welcome back to the Hello Tanya Podcast! This week, we explore the concept of "The Roommate" – the negative self-talk or automatic negative thoughts that run in the background, and how to recognise and silence this critical inner voice.

• Reframing negative self-talk as a "roommate" – a separate entity from your true self – makes it easier to identify and address
• Understanding the difference between your roommate (fear-based thoughts) and your intuition (heart/gut-based wisdom)
• Visualisation exercise: mentally put your "roommate" in a box, lock it, and flush the key down a real toilet
• Mirror work Moment

Next week I'll be talking about inner child work and being kinder to yourself.


Production design, intro music and video by Christopher Stratton. Podcast photos by Frances Carter. Find Tanya at @hellotanya and the pod at @hellotanyapod on IG, and https://www.youtube.com/@hellotanyapod <3

Speaker 1:

Hi, hello, welcome back to another episode of the Hello Tanya podcast, where I share pocket-sized concepts, tools, frameworks that I have learned from seeing a spiritual healer for three years. If this is your first time here, welcome. I recommend going back to episode one, just so you can get some context. Last week I briefly mentioned a concept called the roommate, also known as negative self-talk, the bad voice in your head, or ANTs, or ants automatic negative thoughts. Put the kettle on, settle in, let's talk about it. So you know that episode of BoJack Horseman where he's just repeating I'm a piece of shit, I'm a piece of shit, I'm a piece of shit just over. For, like the entire episode, a classic example of automatic negative thoughts the internal monologue that you may or may not have noticed, that's been running in the background like some terrible brain virus and it's automatic, not a response to something, and you don't often notice that it's happening. I've definitely been guilty of this in the past. Mine would usually go you're worthless, you're useless, nobody cares, nobody gives a shit, you're unlovable. What is the point? Why bother? And this was years and years of it. Therapy definitely helped me notice when it was happening and there's lots of work and material out there suggesting helpful things like noticing the thoughts, replacing the dialogue with something kinder, etc.

Speaker 1:

In the past, without knowing this was a coping mechanism, I would audibly make a noise or meow to interrupt it, and that sometimes got a bit awkward. You know, sometimes I would interrupt myself by saying like I want to introduce a different perspective to automatic negative thoughts. That my spiritual healer, lika, told me about. Reframing it in this way made it a little bit easier to get my head around and I hope it helps you too. She told me to think of the negative thoughts or voice as a roommate, but like a messy and rude and inconsiderate one. One session during a particularly rough patch when I was recovering from COVID, she told me that my roommate was lounging in my head on a lazy boy feet up smoking a cigarette a little too comfortable. Imagining the negative thoughts as a character, as something that's not necessarily a part of me, really helped, helped me recognize like when he and I don't know why, but my roommate is a dude was popping up and being vocal. She told me that there were two main voices we tend to listen to the roommate, which is fear-based, who often has been in control, calling the shots, keeping you low, small, insecure. And then there's your gut, your heart, your body, your soul, your intuition, the voice and feeling that comes from like within you, that bubbles up, made louder by loving yourself and prioritizing yourself.

Speaker 1:

The roommate sometimes pops up when you're deciding between things, say perhaps a work or friendship dynamic that has been historically imbalanced, reaches out. They undervalue you, they're flaky, only reach out when they need something. You have a pretty good idea of the outcome. Usually your gut is saying hey, remember how you told yourself that you deserve better. You can say no. No is a full sentence. Choose yourself.

Speaker 1:

The roommate, that's the voice that makes excuses. Maybe this time will be different. I don't like letting people down. I hate saying no, let me put my needs aside so I can do this. It won't even take that long. What's the harm? It's okay.

Speaker 1:

It's very easy to be swayed by the roommate. The roommate is made to be convincing. They're bringing evidence, they're making leeway, they're making compromises. They're worried about what other people think and want you to bend to others' will. Looking back at how I was in my 20s, I was very much led by my roommate, a big time people pleaser, saying yes to audacious requests, working when I was sick and burnt out, bending over backwards to accommodate others and definitely not valuing my time, my skills or myself. Just gonna take a little moment to send love to baby Tanya In those dark days. Oof, it's okay, girl. It got so much better.

Speaker 1:

Like all inner work, kicking the roommate out isn't easy. They've been chilling in the spare room of your brain, running things without your knowledge, the automatic inner dialogue constantly playing like horrible white noise in the background. The key is self-awareness, taking a little moment to sit quietly and listen. Are they active? Are they flaring up? Are they screaming or whispering? I'm not going to tell you to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. This isn't a safe space for toxic positivity. There's no replace all negative thoughts function. It's more about deplatforming, shining a spotlight on this miserable little guy. Give him a name. Mine's Jeff. I don't know why it's Jeff, it just came to me. No offense to any Jeffs out there. Jeff slinks around a pattern, seeking missile, waiting to be hurt, wanting and waiting to be triggered by something Rejection. Nobody loves you. Comparison Everyone's doing better than you. My healer's advice Tell Jeff to fuck right off.

Speaker 1:

And here's a little thought exercise In your mind's eye. Put them in a box, Like lift them up. They're really tiny, right. Lift them up, put them in a little box, put a lock in that box and lock it with a key. Take that imaginary key, walk over to a real ass toilet and flush, watching it spiral down the drain and out of your life. I know it's going to feel silly, I like. I know that it's silly, but there is something about taking something from your mind and transferring it into a real life action that solidifies it somehow. I can't explain it, but I find it so helpful. Flush off, jeff. Nobody cares about you. Now you don't have to flush any like. You don't have to flush every time. That's a lot of waste of water. But if I notice him pop up, I'll just sometimes like bat him away or and like tell him to fuck off, or imagine that he's like a squid squatting on my brain and physically pick him up and fling him away like this Just pick him up, fling him away. Them up and fling them away like this Just pick them up, fling them away.

Speaker 1:

But the main thing is taking away the power, turning off the automaticness, tapping into what your gut says and not the negative voice, the culmination of insecurities and fear. In a past session I'd shared that old mate Jeff was speaking up loudly when I was not feeling very well, singing the tired old song of no one gives a shit, despite a heck of a lot of locks and keys and fuck-offs and flushing. Lika told me that sometimes the roommate's voice speaks up because you're no longer listening. Jeff saying no one gives a a shit made a lot more sense. He was saying you don't give a shit about me, jeff, anymore. Good stuff. So what's your roommate up to Give them a name and tell them to fuck off?

Speaker 1:

Okay, all right, we are already at a mirror work moment. How'd you go last week? Once again, I'll remind you that mirror work is essentially gassing yourself up in the mirror. You're walking up to it, looking yourself in the eyes with love, always with love, and telling things to yourself that you really need to hear, like you're your biggest fan and ideally you want to work up to three to five minutes. This will feel like an age, but you'll get there. I definitely did.

Speaker 1:

Let's build on what we already said. Okay, all right, I'm going to grab my mirror here. It is Sorry, puppy, I love you and I'm proud of you. It's nice, right? Okay, so we've got. I love you and I'm proud of you. It's nice, right? Okay, so we've got. I love you and I'm proud of you. So let's build on that this time. I'd like to invite you to try and say I trust myself, I value myself and I accept myself. And don't forget to give yourself a big cuddle and let me know how you go Again. If you try it, I'm really proud of you. If you don't, I'm still proud of you. Thanks for taking a little time to hang out with me and I hope you're doing well. Like I'm trying to create, like a little pocket cozy comfy, nice vibes. That's not even a sentence. Oh, my goodness, Delilah Sorry, delilah, on my lap is so distracting. Anyway, thank you for spending time with me, sending love to me and sending love to you.

Speaker 1:

Next week it's going to be a tough one. We're going to be talking about inner child work and being kinder to yourself. I just want to give a shout out to Christopher Stratton. This podcast would not exist without him. He designed the set, did the production design, played the music, the intro video. What a talented legend. I am grateful to know you. Thank you, and another big shout out to Francis Carter for the amazing photos for this podcast. Thanks for joining me. I'm going to press the intro button. Thank you so much. Bye-bye, bye.